I’m writing looking for some advice. My mother did a lot for me, but it is very difficult to forgive her because she also hurt me very much. She physically abused me because I was born a disgrace. Sometimes it is so difficult to heal the many scars on my soul because to her I was always worthless. I was always criticized. I received many insults as a child, so many blows. I thank her for the care she gave me when I was small, for not having left me to die, but sometimes I think I would have preferred to die. I learned 4 years ago that I am the product of a rape. That was the worst news of my life. Since I was a child, I always thought my father just left us. They said he was dead. I’ve received a few visits from some of your missionaries. I enjoyed talking with them, but I have lost contact. Take care and thanks for answering.
4 Responses to “I’m writing looking for some advice. My mother did a lot fo…”
Daniel Paz
2009-08-10 22:25:24
Thank you for sending me another email. It must have been so devastating for you to learn that your mother was raped. It's hard for me to even imagine how you feel. Someone I'm close to was also physically abused by her mother when she was a child. She has also struggled to forgive, so I can sympathize with your difficulty. About a year ago, one of the leaders of the Mormon Church preached a sermon about child abuse. I think this sermon might help you.
Based on what you've told me, I think you may suffer from endogenous depression. You can learn more about depression on my website. Depression is often caused by an imbalance in brain chemicals. It is an organic disease, just like diabetes or a cold. There are medicines that can help correct this chemical imbalance. I recommend that you speak with your doctor. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist, who can prescribe medicine, and a psychologist, who can help by talking with you about your problems.
Sometimes those who suffer from depression also suffer spiritually. It is very important that you find a supportive religious community that can help you grow closer to God. You've told me that you feel alone, but you don't need to be alone! Why don't you request that the missionaries visit you again? Better yet, why don't you just visit a Mormon chapel this Sunday on your own? You can learn the address of the chapel nearest your home online. Mormons love to have visitors! Of course going to Church every Sunday will not make your problems disappear, but you may get the spiritual support you need to help get through the hard times.
So much of our self worth comes from our family relationships. Because your father was a rapist and your mother abused you as a child, you may not feel that you have personal worth. I want you to know that, in God's eyes, you have tremendous worth! Your earthly father may be a bad person, but you are the daughter of a heavenly King. A daughter of a king! Think about that. I would like you to listen to this song:
Think about the words. Think about how your Heavenly Father loves you.
Jessica, please don't delay. Try to get the medical and spiritual help you need as soon as possible. You don't deserve to suffer. Call a doctor. Call the missionaries. Visit the church. Please, let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
Richard
2009-08-12 16:03:10
First of all I would like to say how sorry I am that life has given you a hardship from even before birth. Second I would like to endorse that which has already been said by others who have, but I would like to add a little to it as well. Recently I came across a talk given by Neal A. Maxwell posted through youtube
(It's a four part movie, but it's worth watching) in the movie Elder Maxwell talks about the hardships of our lives and what we may have agreed to do in the life before this one. Perhaps there is something to be learned form all this or rather taught for the rest of the world in the difficulties of your life? Jesus has commanded us to forgive those that trespass against us and even pray for those that do us wrong. Recorded in Matthew we read:
"Ye have heard that it hath been said, thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? Do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."
Perhaps a part of your trial in this life is to learn how powerful Christ and His atonement are and through accepting his atonement and working with and through Him, you can learn to forgive and even forget the pain your parents caused to you. Past that, you can go on to share the hardships of your life to life and inspire others who go through similar situations. Last for your own sake, sister, remember that God has commanded us to forgive the best we know how and if we have trouble doing that to go to Him and let Him show you how to forgive the unforgivable. (see Ether 12:27) and recorded in D&C 64:9-11: "Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. And ye ought to say in your heartslet God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds."
I would also recommend if possible the seeking out of the book "The Peacegiver" by James Farrell and through stories found in the Bible learn that we can forgive through the atonement of Jesus.
Remember life is a test and no one fails unless they choose, through their agency, to stop trying over and over and over again. There is no point in this life where God gives up on us and through Christ's atonement we can all be saved as we turn to him. Check out lds.org and search for atonement to better understand.
Pamela Dean
2009-08-18 18:37:48
Dear Jessica, my heart aches for you. I went through a very rough time during and after my first marriage, and I can only share with you what the LDS counsellor I saw shared with me. Please do not say you were born a disgrace. The sin is not yours or your mothers, but is on the head of your father. Do not take his sin as your own. Do not define yourself by his actions. You are literally a child of God, a daughter of our Heavenly Father. You have a divine potential within you. To unlock that potential you need to fall to your knees, thank the Lord for your many blessings, and give thanks for all things. "Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks; Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testamentthe Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted. Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord" (Doctrine and Covenants 98:1 - 3). I know this is hard - when I was first told to give thanks to the Lord for what I had endured I was angry, so angry in fact that I did not go back to the counsellor for several months. This was an indescribably terrible time for me as I questioned my faith and Heavenly Father and the whole experience, but after spending over four years with an anguished and burdened soul I was finally able to accept that I could do no more on my own, and gave all my anguish to the Lord on my knees, and offered thanks unto him for whatever lesson I was supposed to learn from this trial even though I did not know what that lesson was. It was only after I did this that I was able to see past my own small sphere and discover the lessons I was supposed to learn. Along the way, I came across Richard G. Scott's article "Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse" (Ensign, May 1992, 31) which was of immense help to me. Perhaps it will be of comfort to you too. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, "God can heal us, if we will submit to him" ("Not my Will, but Thine", 62-63).
As for forgiving your mother... Forgiveness is not the same as condoning. Sin is a heavy burden to bear, both for the person who has sinned *and* for the one who has been sinned against. Your mother has been bearing the sins of your father for a long time, not a burden she should ever have to bear, and certainly not a burden she asked for. Additionally, I would think she bears the burden of knowing that she has taken out his sins on you, which is certainly not a burden *you* asked for, either. You can never condone the way she treated you, but you can understand where her actions came from. That doesn't make those actions right, but you may find some very small confort knowing that she wasn't just a mean person. That in no way lessens your feelings or the outcome of her actions, but may help you to be able to forgive her.
I know I have only barely touched on all the things I could share with you. But know this... You are loved. You do have worth. You do deserve to find peace and comfort. I believe you saw a glimmer of that when you were speaking with the missionaries. I would urge you to meet with them again.
I noticed that you are in Arequipa. There is a branch of the church at Urb. José carlos Mariategui s/n, Corire that meets at 9 am. The leader of the Puerte Verde branch is President Vera Huamani. 51-54-48-6283 is the contact number and they can help you arrange a visit with the missionaries or help you find missionaries that are closer if this is not the right area.
Jessica, I pray you will be able to find peace, and know that I am praying for you.
Melissa
2009-09-14 16:25:24
I grew up with a father who taught me that women were second class and weren't worth as much as men. So, there has be a lot of reconfiguring when it comes to the way women should be treated. My mother is a member of the church, so I am glad that I grew up in the church, but it was confusing receiving mixed messages, one message from my father, and another from the Chruch.
Your mother may have had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that she was raped. This does not mean that you are any less important than anyone else who came into this world. You are a daughter of God and people care about you because of who you are.
You can always call information and ask what the closest church buliding is and get the phone # for the missionaries in your area. I'm sure they would be happy to hear from you. Good luck!
Based on what you've told me, I think you may suffer from endogenous depression. You can learn more about depression on my website. Depression is often caused by an imbalance in brain chemicals. It is an organic disease, just like diabetes or a cold. There are medicines that can help correct this chemical imbalance. I recommend that you speak with your doctor. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist, who can prescribe medicine, and a psychologist, who can help by talking with you about your problems.
Sometimes those who suffer from depression also suffer spiritually. It is very important that you find a supportive religious community that can help you grow closer to God. You've told me that you feel alone, but you don't need to be alone! Why don't you request that the missionaries visit you again? Better yet, why don't you just visit a Mormon chapel this Sunday on your own? You can learn the address of the chapel nearest your home online. Mormons love to have visitors! Of course going to Church every Sunday will not make your problems disappear, but you may get the spiritual support you need to help get through the hard times.
So much of our self worth comes from our family relationships. Because your father was a rapist and your mother abused you as a child, you may not feel that you have personal worth. I want you to know that, in God's eyes, you have tremendous worth! Your earthly father may be a bad person, but you are the daughter of a heavenly King. A daughter of a king! Think about that. I would like you to listen to this song:
Think about the words. Think about how your Heavenly Father loves you.
Jessica, please don't delay. Try to get the medical and spiritual help you need as soon as possible. You don't deserve to suffer. Call a doctor. Call the missionaries. Visit the church. Please, let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
"Ye have heard that it hath been said, thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? Do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."
Perhaps a part of your trial in this life is to learn how powerful Christ and His atonement are and through accepting his atonement and working with and through Him, you can learn to forgive and even forget the pain your parents caused to you. Past that, you can go on to share the hardships of your life to life and inspire others who go through similar situations. Last for your own sake, sister, remember that God has commanded us to forgive the best we know how and if we have trouble doing that to go to Him and let Him show you how to forgive the unforgivable. (see Ether 12:27) and recorded in D&C 64:9-11: "Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. And ye ought to say in your heartslet God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds."
I would also recommend if possible the seeking out of the book "The Peacegiver" by James Farrell and through stories found in the Bible learn that we can forgive through the atonement of Jesus.
Remember life is a test and no one fails unless they choose, through their agency, to stop trying over and over and over again. There is no point in this life where God gives up on us and through Christ's atonement we can all be saved as we turn to him. Check out lds.org and search for atonement to better understand.
As for forgiving your mother... Forgiveness is not the same as condoning. Sin is a heavy burden to bear, both for the person who has sinned *and* for the one who has been sinned against. Your mother has been bearing the sins of your father for a long time, not a burden she should ever have to bear, and certainly not a burden she asked for. Additionally, I would think she bears the burden of knowing that she has taken out his sins on you, which is certainly not a burden *you* asked for, either. You can never condone the way she treated you, but you can understand where her actions came from. That doesn't make those actions right, but you may find some very small confort knowing that she wasn't just a mean person. That in no way lessens your feelings or the outcome of her actions, but may help you to be able to forgive her.
I know I have only barely touched on all the things I could share with you. But know this... You are loved. You do have worth. You do deserve to find peace and comfort. I believe you saw a glimmer of that when you were speaking with the missionaries. I would urge you to meet with them again.
I noticed that you are in Arequipa. There is a branch of the church at Urb. José carlos Mariategui s/n, Corire that meets at 9 am. The leader of the Puerte Verde branch is President Vera Huamani. 51-54-48-6283 is the contact number and they can help you arrange a visit with the missionaries or help you find missionaries that are closer if this is not the right area.
Jessica, I pray you will be able to find peace, and know that I am praying for you.
Your mother may have had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that she was raped. This does not mean that you are any less important than anyone else who came into this world. You are a daughter of God and people care about you because of who you are.
You can always call information and ask what the closest church buliding is and get the phone # for the missionaries in your area. I'm sure they would be happy to hear from you. Good luck!