My wife and I have returned to the church after 14 years and our 11 year old son has taken “wings” and is doing well with primary and activities, and will be baptized in July when he turns 12. Our 17 year old daughter is not participating willfully, and refuses to attend services and activities. We as parents have asked her to go at least once per month and to participate in family home evening, which she has done once since returning this month, but states that she does not want to go to church. She has sat with the missionaries along with us last week, and said nothing to question her feeling against the church or religion in general. We love her and want her to be open minded, but understand that this is an immediate change in her life that her parents and younger brother are embracing. She has stated that she cannot wait to turn 18 so she can go live with friends or go away to school. Does anyone have any ideas for us as parents to do?
inactive
Anonymous,
/Questions/wife_returned_church_14_11_ENG_230.php
4 Responses to “My wife and I have returned to the church after 14 years and…”
Samuel Delgado
2009-06-21 09:13:47
Hi friend. I was so happy to hear that your family has returned to the Church! Welcome back. May God bless you in your new journey.
Your situation is very complicated. On one hand, the idea of "forcing" someone to go to Church seems inappropriate. However, at the same time, it is clearly inappropriate for parents to allow their children to do whatever they want. Children need direction, and I'm sure there are many happy, active Mormon adults today who, when they were teenagers, felt "forced" by their parents to attend Church. It may be that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to your challenge. Might I suggest that you discuss this issue with your bishop?
Assuming your daughter plans to establish her independence when she turns 18, I think this next year will be a critical one. It sounds like you're already doing a lot to help your daughter by asking her to attend church once a month and to participate in your Family Home Evenings. I wonder if there is a way to help your daughter become socially integrated into your new ward. Are there any young men or women her age in your congregation?
I testify that prayer and fasting can be great helps as well. Let your daughter know that you love her, and that you are praying for her. Again, I hope that your bishop will be able to help you as well. Best of luck!
Anonymous
2009-05-30 03:33:26
How are you doing on your family prayers? I know from my personal home teachers' lesson, taken from teaching materials and the spirit, there isn't anything more powerful then for your child to hear you pray for them by name. Along with that old saying 'families that pray together, stay together.' Obviously she's going through a teenage late rebellion where she feels it's time to grow up and move out, etc. Continue to pray for her in your own prayers and then hold family prayers so she can hear her family pray for her also (nothing to dramatic: ie bless our daughter because she's going astray type prayer)
Also for gaining her interest back to church contact your bishop and mention what's going on, perhaps one of the young women advisors can attempt to befriend your duaghter, and/or the whole group of young women/one or two girls in your ward can come invite her to an activity outside of the church hour and get her more interested in church that way.
I know that God the Father (of all of us) will be supportive and directive to you as the mortal parents given stewardwhip over one of his spirit children. Go to him and pray with the plea of "she was your daughter before she was ours, help us help her"... Pray with the spirit helping you and then write down the thoughts that come into your mind durring or post the prayer.
Other then that just keep doing what you can for your own sake, never stop praying over your daughter, and never stop telling her you love her... Even and especially during those times when she's telling you she's heading out the door forever... She'll always be welcome with you at your home, and you'll always love her... So make sure she knows that daily if not hourly.
Best of luck and remember she does have her own agency so let her have it but tell her she's always welcome whenever she feels she needs to come home.
Pamela Dean
2009-07-21 20:20:37
Remember the old adage 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink'? Although it's difficult to hear, the same is true with our children, and I unfortunately speak from personal experience. My daughter lost her testimony of the church because of the actions of my first husband who was excommunicated. For a while she continued to attend church and go to her activities, but as time went on it became less and less and eventually dwindled to nothing. For two years she steadfastly refused to have anything to do with the church. But I continued to pray for her and for our family, I continued to hold family home evening by myself and go to church, always inviting her to join me and not becoming upset when she refused. Two years ago I made the decision to move three thousand km so we could be closer to my parents, which has been difficult for me as it means the nearest church is a two and a half hour drive away. I began watching the sacrament meeting on byutv.org on Sundays and reading the lessons out loud that were sent from ldsliving.com, again always inviting her to join me. After two years of absolutely no contact with the church, she attended sacrament with me a couple of months ago. We now have family home evening every week, watch the sacrament service together on Sunday afternoon, and I teach her Sunday school and young women lesson. We work on personal progress together on thursday nights, and try to do seminary lessons together as well. She is still sometimes reluctant to do these things with me, but she does them anyway. I won't say it's been easy - nothing could be further from the truth and I have often cried so much when alone in my room at night that I am surprised I have any tears left. So I was very thankful last night when we were finishing up family home evening by making an apple dessert and she suggested we drive over to my parents' house and share it with them. Loving her back to the fold is slowly but surely working, and as this happens she is becoming happier and our relationship is growing stronger every day. N. Eldon Tanner said in Leading as the Savior Led (New Era, June 1977) "When Joseph Smith was asked how he Governed his people so well, he replied, "I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves." This is the essence of the Lord's approach to leadership, implying that we must be sure we are teaching correct principles with a testimony and understanding of the gospel. This we should do by example and precept and then be prepared to help and support him in his efforts, but we should let him make his own decisions and govern himself according to the free agency that is his gift." Surely this council applies to us in our families as well. Do the best you can, trust in the Lord, continue to grow your own testimony, love your daughter despite her choices, and have faith that she will return to fellowship.
Pamela Dean
2009-07-21 23:28:52
By a happy coincidence I discovered this article while cleaning out my in-box. Hope it helps.
Your situation is very complicated. On one hand, the idea of "forcing" someone to go to Church seems inappropriate. However, at the same time, it is clearly inappropriate for parents to allow their children to do whatever they want. Children need direction, and I'm sure there are many happy, active Mormon adults today who, when they were teenagers, felt "forced" by their parents to attend Church. It may be that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to your challenge. Might I suggest that you discuss this issue with your bishop?
Assuming your daughter plans to establish her independence when she turns 18, I think this next year will be a critical one. It sounds like you're already doing a lot to help your daughter by asking her to attend church once a month and to participate in your Family Home Evenings. I wonder if there is a way to help your daughter become socially integrated into your new ward. Are there any young men or women her age in your congregation?
I testify that prayer and fasting can be great helps as well. Let your daughter know that you love her, and that you are praying for her. Again, I hope that your bishop will be able to help you as well. Best of luck!
Also for gaining her interest back to church contact your bishop and mention what's going on, perhaps one of the young women advisors can attempt to befriend your duaghter, and/or the whole group of young women/one or two girls in your ward can come invite her to an activity outside of the church hour and get her more interested in church that way.
I know that God the Father (of all of us) will be supportive and directive to you as the mortal parents given stewardwhip over one of his spirit children. Go to him and pray with the plea of "she was your daughter before she was ours, help us help her"... Pray with the spirit helping you and then write down the thoughts that come into your mind durring or post the prayer.
Other then that just keep doing what you can for your own sake, never stop praying over your daughter, and never stop telling her you love her... Even and especially during those times when she's telling you she's heading out the door forever... She'll always be welcome with you at your home, and you'll always love her... So make sure she knows that daily if not hourly.
Best of luck and remember she does have her own agency so let her have it but tell her she's always welcome whenever she feels she needs to come home.
When A Child Strays