I’ve been a member of the church for 5 years. My husband lives in another country because of his work. I live alone. I was unfaithful to him before I was baptized. After being baptized, I’ve only seen my ex-lover three times, and each time we only kissed. I feel so bad because my husband wants to be baptized and sealed to me, and he does know what I’ve done behind his back. I feel so guilty because obviously this is getting in the way of my spiritual progress. What shoul I do?
4 Responses to “I’ve been a member of the church for 5 years. My husband liv…”
Webmaster
2009-11-14 08:00:55
Hi friend. While kissing another man may not be adultery, it is still infidelity. As you seem to recognize, you've committed a very serious sin. Let me give you some suggestions.
You should never see your lover again. Perhaps you think you can continue as friends only, but don't kid yourself. No friendship is worth destroying your marriage. Tell him to never call or write you again.
You should talk with your bishop and confess your sins to him. He can help you put this sin behind you by applying the atoning sacrifice of Christ in your life.
You really should tell your husband what has happened. He's been very patient with you in the past. I'm sure his patience has its limits, but hopefully he will forgive you as he has in the past. You may be tempted to keep this from him, but you can't progress as a couple if you keep secrets like these.
I don't know much about your specific situation, but living apart from your husband is obviously doing great damage to your marriage. I can't imagine what would be so important that it would be worth jeoparding your relationship with your husband. You should do everything within your power to live together.
Your goal of being sealed to your husband is a great goal, but you've jeopardized it because of your poor choices. Try to make things right with God and with your husband. Best of luck to you.
Pamela Dean
2009-11-14 13:41:37
While I agree with most of the webmasters comments, there are two points I would like to make.
1. We have been counselled time and again - including in Matthew 5:27-28 and D&C 63:16 and in "Our Search for Happiness" - that any sexual activity or thoughts about anyone other than our spouse is sexual sin, and that there is no difference between types if sexual sin. Hence, dear sister, I would urge you to see your bishop as soon as possible and rectify this situation.
2. Sometimes there *are* situations where husbands and wives are forced to live apart from each other. Here where I live it is quite common for the men to work in oil sands camps, mining camps or offshore oil rigs, and to be gone for 3 to 6 weeks and then home for 1 or 2 weeks, in order to provide a good living for their families instead of working for minimum wage. Another notable example is those whose husbands are in military deployment. In neither of these examples is it possible for their families to be with them. Perhaps this sister is in a similar situation. If this is the case, perhaps another solution would be for this sister to make sure that she lives close to family, and keeps busy by serving them and visiting them.
Richard
2009-11-14 18:35:25
As mentioned by other replies you should talk first to your bishop and get direction through him, as your spiritual leader authorized to receive revelation from God for you, for your direction in moving forward. Obviously your actions are bothering you, and only you (and God) know to what depth of seriousness they are. God is quick to forgive the repentant sinner (see D&C 58: 42-43). I feel also you should discuss your confession to be to your husband, with your bishop and seek help in how you should go about the confession. Perhaps even you can talk with your bishop and get permission for you and your husband to meet with him to talk over all the past.
You are obviously feeling poor for your actions, as is understood, yet I also sense your 'natural man' inside you actually secretly enjoys the 'rush' you get from being bad. This is very similar to the false sensation that drugs can induce in your body and very natural man. You need to examine yourself and see if this is actually going on inside you, if it is admit that as truth, and work with your bishop and our Heavenly Father to remove this beginning of an addiction. It's great that you are seeking help earlier rather that 20 years from now when actions like this can build on each other and your path back is much harder and more difficult. Thankfully Christ and his atonement have the power to overcome this and any difficulty in your life. Ether 12:27 states how we should go to the Lord with our weaknesses and by so doing we can be made strong and eventually clean.
Best of luck it appears that you have, deep down in your heart, the desire to do what is right in this life; for yourself as well as your husband. That quality is a very rare and beautiful quality to have in a woman and if he doesn't know it your husband is a lucky man. You just happen to be mortal and you are learning like the rest of us how to be better than we are. The path is sometimes hard and the devils will be working on stopping your progress at probably every turn, but welcome to mortality and it is a test after all to see "if we won't so all that our lord command us" and how do we know and learn the way? "Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6)
"And now, my friend, I have told you this that ye may learn wisdom, that ye may learn of me that there is no other way or means whereby man can be saved, only in and through Christ. Behold, he is the life and the light of the world" (Alma 38:9).
One step at a time in the correct direction with Christ; best of luck and you can do it with him. I know this to be true because I am walking that path and he is making me into something good because of him and despite myself.
Webmaster
2009-11-14 21:10:53
I definitely agree with Pamela "that any sexual activity or thoughts about anyone other than our spouse is sexual sin," though I do not agree that "there is no difference between types of sexual sin." If there were truly no difference, every sexual sin would be grounds for excommunication. I suspect (though I'm certainly no expert) that this sister would not be excommunicated for kissing another man. If she were to sleep with him, on the other hand, excommunication would be a possibility. There's no denying, though, that both kissing and adultery are in the same general category. Kissing someone other than one's spouse is a serious sin definitely worthy of the label "adultery of the heart."
At any rate, it's good that people realize that different Mormons have differing views. Some people believe that all Mormons are exactly alike, that we're all unthinking robots. Clearly, we are a people that think about our religion; sometimes two different well-informed members of the Church can nevertheless come to slightly different conclusions on minor points of doctrine. ;)
I do appreciate Pamela's clarification regarding spouses that must live apart. I didn't mean to imply that there are never circumstances when that is necessary. Certainly there are, and some couples even grow stronger when, through no choice of their own, they are forced to communicate from a distance. The advice I gave was intended for this sister alone. Clearly, being apart from her husband is damaging their marriage. It would be better for her husband to settle for a minimum-wage job than to loose his marriage. In some cases (like military service), the couple may not have the option of being together. I liked Pamela's idea that this sister should occupy herself in service to others, especially to other family members.
- You should never see your lover again. Perhaps you think you can continue as friends only, but don't kid yourself. No friendship is worth destroying your marriage. Tell him to never call or write you again.
- You should talk with your bishop and confess your sins to him. He can help you put this sin behind you by applying the atoning sacrifice of Christ in your life.
- You really should tell your husband what has happened. He's been very patient with you in the past. I'm sure his patience has its limits, but hopefully he will forgive you as he has in the past. You may be tempted to keep this from him, but you can't progress as a couple if you keep secrets like these.
- I don't know much about your specific situation, but living apart from your husband is obviously doing great damage to your marriage. I can't imagine what would be so important that it would be worth jeoparding your relationship with your husband. You should do everything within your power to live together.
Your goal of being sealed to your husband is a great goal, but you've jeopardized it because of your poor choices. Try to make things right with God and with your husband. Best of luck to you.1. We have been counselled time and again - including in Matthew 5:27-28 and D&C 63:16 and in "Our Search for Happiness" - that any sexual activity or thoughts about anyone other than our spouse is sexual sin, and that there is no difference between types if sexual sin. Hence, dear sister, I would urge you to see your bishop as soon as possible and rectify this situation.
2. Sometimes there *are* situations where husbands and wives are forced to live apart from each other. Here where I live it is quite common for the men to work in oil sands camps, mining camps or offshore oil rigs, and to be gone for 3 to 6 weeks and then home for 1 or 2 weeks, in order to provide a good living for their families instead of working for minimum wage. Another notable example is those whose husbands are in military deployment. In neither of these examples is it possible for their families to be with them. Perhaps this sister is in a similar situation. If this is the case, perhaps another solution would be for this sister to make sure that she lives close to family, and keeps busy by serving them and visiting them.
You are obviously feeling poor for your actions, as is understood, yet I also sense your 'natural man' inside you actually secretly enjoys the 'rush' you get from being bad. This is very similar to the false sensation that drugs can induce in your body and very natural man. You need to examine yourself and see if this is actually going on inside you, if it is admit that as truth, and work with your bishop and our Heavenly Father to remove this beginning of an addiction. It's great that you are seeking help earlier rather that 20 years from now when actions like this can build on each other and your path back is much harder and more difficult. Thankfully Christ and his atonement have the power to overcome this and any difficulty in your life. Ether 12:27 states how we should go to the Lord with our weaknesses and by so doing we can be made strong and eventually clean.
Best of luck it appears that you have, deep down in your heart, the desire to do what is right in this life; for yourself as well as your husband. That quality is a very rare and beautiful quality to have in a woman and if he doesn't know it your husband is a lucky man. You just happen to be mortal and you are learning like the rest of us how to be better than we are. The path is sometimes hard and the devils will be working on stopping your progress at probably every turn, but welcome to mortality and it is a test after all to see "if we won't so all that our lord command us" and how do we know and learn the way? "Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6)
"And now, my friend, I have told you this that ye may learn wisdom, that ye may learn of me that there is no other way or means whereby man can be saved, only in and through Christ. Behold, he is the life and the light of the world" (Alma 38:9).
One step at a time in the correct direction with Christ; best of luck and you can do it with him. I know this to be true because I am walking that path and he is making me into something good because of him and despite myself.
At any rate, it's good that people realize that different Mormons have differing views. Some people believe that all Mormons are exactly alike, that we're all unthinking robots. Clearly, we are a people that think about our religion; sometimes two different well-informed members of the Church can nevertheless come to slightly different conclusions on minor points of doctrine. ;)
I do appreciate Pamela's clarification regarding spouses that must live apart. I didn't mean to imply that there are never circumstances when that is necessary. Certainly there are, and some couples even grow stronger when, through no choice of their own, they are forced to communicate from a distance. The advice I gave was intended for this sister alone. Clearly, being apart from her husband is damaging their marriage. It would be better for her husband to settle for a minimum-wage job than to loose his marriage. In some cases (like military service), the couple may not have the option of being together. I liked Pamela's idea that this sister should occupy herself in service to others, especially to other family members.