Hello, brothers and sisters. I’m going through a difficult time, and I’m not sure what to do. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. Although I didn’t realize it, it seems he wasn’t really happy during those years, which led us to face serious difficulties. We even separated for a time. I kept fighting for my marriage and asked God to save my marriage. My husband told me many times that he didn’t love me anymore, but I was still hopeful. He tells me he still doesn’t love me “completely.” I need to know how to deal with him. How can I help him love me again without making him feel harassed? Is it really possible to love again? Although I have seen some changes, he’s still incapable of showing affection, and that’s what hurts me most and makes me wonder… Thank you very much. I really need guidance.
Hi sister. I'm happy you posted your question here. I've been thinking a lot about the true nature of love lately. I think it's the most misunderstood of all emotions, especially in our modern world with its emphasis on entitlement, instant gratification, and selfishness.
What do many people think love is? They think it's physical attraction. They think it's butterflies in their stomachs. They think it's romance or being lost in someone's eyes. They think it's something that happens almost magically. Physical attraction, butterflies, and romance all have their place. They can facilitate love, certainly, especially in the beginning. And it's important to try to maintain these feelings when possible, because they can nurture true love. But love based solely on feelings is superficial and self-serving. It is not true love.
The problem with this view of love is that it turns those who seek love into objects to be acted upon, not actors in their own right. People who try to build love solely on these kinds of feelings think there is something noble about "following their hearts, " ignoring the fact that our hearts often lead us into all kinds of problems. We should not follow our hearts, sister, we should lead our hearts. We should build on our initial feelings, which have their place, and, after recognizing what's right, lead our own hearts in the correct direction. That way, when beauty fades with age and romance is complicated by illness, love will remain strong.
In English, the word "love" is both a noun and verb. In my view, it is far better to see it as a verb. True love is not just pretty feelings. It's action. It's much more of a choice then many people are willing to admit. We love who we serve. We love those to whom we dedicate our lives. We love when we are willing to sacrifice selfishness and self-centeredness on the altar of kindness and affection. As Paul said, "Charity ['love' in Greek] suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faith..." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
I'm not speaking in the abstract here, sister. I have been in situations where I was with someone who was not easy to love. But I made the choice to stay with her, and I made the choice to love her. I was not perfect; no one is. But I loved even when it was hard, and that choice--that action--brought joy into my life.
Sister, share this message with your husband. Help him make the important choice to love you. Help him realize that he is an actor, not an object to be acted upon. Cherish your marriage, and God will bless you.
Anónimo
2012-07-09 04:39:37
Thanks so much, brother, for your words. They arrived at just the right time in my life and were very helpful and comforting. My decision is to love my husband, and I'll do it without expecting anything in return. It's hard because I'm not sure if he'll ever love me again. There's nothing I can do at this point but have patience and hope. I've thought that perhaps in time he'll open his heart and the Lord will be able to help him. For now, he only trusts in himself and in the "feelings he lost." My hope is that some day his eyes will open. Someone once told me that if he doesn't love me, there isn't much I can do. Is that how it is? Because it seems to me that what is lacking is love in his heart. With the help of the Lord he could recover, obviously only if he wants to. Thanks again for your words. God bless you.
Luciano Santana
2012-07-09 04:50:03
Hi sister. I'm happy my words helped you. It was also very therapeutic for me to answer your question, as I have been going through a similar situation.
The person who told you that if your husband doesn't love you there is nothing that can be done seems to believe in this false idea that love is something that happens to us, not something that we choose. It's true that things beyond our control can sometimes facilitate love. For example, physical attraction often plays a role in the initial stages of "falling in love."
However, this initial kind of love, left by itself, is very underdeveloped. You and your husband are already married. You have a real interest in making your marriage work. Your husband needs to make the decision to love you. It is a decision that he can make, even if he doesn't feel that love is coming naturally to him right now. Your husband may be waiting for love to "happen to him." In reality, he needs to start investing in your marriage. The two of you need to work together to improve your situation.
Unfortunately, it is not possible to violate another person's free will. If your husband refuses to cultivate your marriage, there is not much you can do but encourage him and pray to God to open his heart. Best of luck to you, sister. I'll certainly pray for you and your husband.
Richard
2012-07-19 17:15:28
It seems that you and Luciano Santana have worked most of this out, and it appears you are ok to happy, or at least accepting your situation. As I read your starting question to your situation, the thought came to my mind."Find your husband's love language and make sure you can speak it to him"
Dr. Gary Chapman has written a book detailing how people "fall out of love" because their partner is no longer "speaking their language of love" . Dr. Chapman goes over his (working) theory on the 5 basic languages of love and how to find out your partner's primary and secondary love languages, and then how to speak them to him or her so as to re-spark the "lost love" in a relationship.
You can search out his books online and tests to find yours and your partner's language and then you can both understand how the other "feels love" and you can both solve how you can best "show love" to your partner, for the sake of saving a 20+ year old marriage.
In Elder Oaks conference talk on Divorce, he stated something to the effect of 'divorce need not ever occur but a repentance and forgivness on the part of each partner, with the applied Atonement of our Savior in a marriage can more fully seal the partners to each other'
One more book "sacred intamacy" by Yorgenson may also be a good read for you and your spouse.
Don't give up, especially if you have children, stick it out and council with your Bishop as well. I promise you that your marriage will be worth it again.
What do many people think love is? They think it's physical attraction. They think it's butterflies in their stomachs. They think it's romance or being lost in someone's eyes. They think it's something that happens almost magically. Physical attraction, butterflies, and romance all have their place. They can facilitate love, certainly, especially in the beginning. And it's important to try to maintain these feelings when possible, because they can nurture true love. But love based solely on feelings is superficial and self-serving. It is not true love.
The problem with this view of love is that it turns those who seek love into objects to be acted upon, not actors in their own right. People who try to build love solely on these kinds of feelings think there is something noble about "following their hearts, " ignoring the fact that our hearts often lead us into all kinds of problems. We should not follow our hearts, sister, we should lead our hearts. We should build on our initial feelings, which have their place, and, after recognizing what's right, lead our own hearts in the correct direction. That way, when beauty fades with age and romance is complicated by illness, love will remain strong.
In English, the word "love" is both a noun and verb. In my view, it is far better to see it as a verb. True love is not just pretty feelings. It's action. It's much more of a choice then many people are willing to admit. We love who we serve. We love those to whom we dedicate our lives. We love when we are willing to sacrifice selfishness and self-centeredness on the altar of kindness and affection. As Paul said, "Charity ['love' in Greek] suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faith..." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
I'm not speaking in the abstract here, sister. I have been in situations where I was with someone who was not easy to love. But I made the choice to stay with her, and I made the choice to love her. I was not perfect; no one is. But I loved even when it was hard, and that choice--that action--brought joy into my life.
Sister, share this message with your husband. Help him make the important choice to love you. Help him realize that he is an actor, not an object to be acted upon. Cherish your marriage, and God will bless you.
The person who told you that if your husband doesn't love you there is nothing that can be done seems to believe in this false idea that love is something that happens to us, not something that we choose. It's true that things beyond our control can sometimes facilitate love. For example, physical attraction often plays a role in the initial stages of "falling in love."
However, this initial kind of love, left by itself, is very underdeveloped. You and your husband are already married. You have a real interest in making your marriage work. Your husband needs to make the decision to love you. It is a decision that he can make, even if he doesn't feel that love is coming naturally to him right now. Your husband may be waiting for love to "happen to him." In reality, he needs to start investing in your marriage. The two of you need to work together to improve your situation.
Unfortunately, it is not possible to violate another person's free will. If your husband refuses to cultivate your marriage, there is not much you can do but encourage him and pray to God to open his heart. Best of luck to you, sister. I'll certainly pray for you and your husband.
Dr. Gary Chapman has written a book detailing how people "fall out of love" because their partner is no longer "speaking their language of love" . Dr. Chapman goes over his (working) theory on the 5 basic languages of love and how to find out your partner's primary and secondary love languages, and then how to speak them to him or her so as to re-spark the "lost love" in a relationship.
You can search out his books online and tests to find yours and your partner's language and then you can both understand how the other "feels love" and you can both solve how you can best "show love" to your partner, for the sake of saving a 20+ year old marriage.
In Elder Oaks conference talk on Divorce, he stated something to the effect of 'divorce need not ever occur but a repentance and forgivness on the part of each partner, with the applied Atonement of our Savior in a marriage can more fully seal the partners to each other'
One more book "sacred intamacy" by Yorgenson may also be a good read for you and your spouse.
Don't give up, especially if you have children, stick it out and council with your Bishop as well. I promise you that your marriage will be worth it again.
Best of Luck!