I am lds. I was 32 years old when I married my husband who is NOT a member of the church. I married my husband because I loved him. I could not drive myself to marry a male member of the church that I did not love… Just because he was Mormon.
Did I lose my chance to go to the highest level of the Celestial kingdom? Because I am not married & sealed in the temple. I chose to marry a non-member. He is a wonderful husband to me and to our children and I love him.
I do believe in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I do believe in the restored gospel. I read the scriptures and I attend the temple and do genealogy. I try to live the gospel to the best of my abilities.
However, the church teaches that if people are not married & sealed in the temple, they cannot achieve the highest level of the celestial kingdom. Even though I truly believe the church, I regret to say that I feel sad and uncomfortable in it. In the LDS church, people who married outside the convenant are seing as “less faithfull and not brave in their testimonies”.
3 Responses to “I am lds. I was 32 years old when I married my husband…”
Daniel Paz
2014-07-06 17:03:54
Hi sister. What an interesting question. You really got me thinking with this one! I have to admit I'm experiencing some cognitive dissonance, since I can't get the different parts of my brain to agree on a single answer. :) Let me just leave some comments without drawing any conclusions, in case they're helpful.
1. All families are beautiful and should be preserved, except in extreme cases of abuse or abandonment. I know the thought hasn't crossed your mind, but let me just state the obvious for the sake of others who might read this question: the church would never encourage you to leave your husband just so you could be sealed to someone else. Mormons are about strengthening families, not breaking them apart.
2. I certainly don't want to hurt your feelings, but at the same time I don't think anyone is served by sugar coating this issue. I'm a strong believer in the importance of eternal marriage. The sealing ordinance is critical in our theology. Whenever those who are thinking about marrying a non-member ask my opinion, I tell them temple marriage is a blessing worth pursuing. Marrying in the temple, when it's possible, is one of God's most important commandments.
3. On the other hand, am I really comfortable saying that someone who marries a "non-member" has no chance of making it to the highest level of the Celestial kingdom, no matter how they otherwise live their lives? That would imply that marriage outside the temple is an "unpardonable sin." There's some doubt in my mind whether unpardonable sins even exist. I rather like Elder Holland's 2012 statement: "It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's Atonement shines." But, even if there is an unpardonable sin, it's certainly something along the lines of denying the Holy Ghost, not marrying outside the church.
4. You mentioned that you couldn't drive yourself to marry a male member of the church that you didn't love. There certainly are circumstances where people have to make this very hard choice. In Brazil, for example, there are far more active female Mormons than there are active male Mormons. Many Brazilian sisters don't have the option of marrying in the temple because of simple demographics. Marrying someone they love in the temple is even less likely.
For all I know, you were in a similar situation. But I can say that for the vast majority of members of the church in the United States, what you describe is a false dichotomy. No one expects members of the church to marry people they don't love. Where there are many members, people don't need to choose between marrying someone they love and marrying a fellow Mormon. They can seek out a member of the church that they do love.
I touch on this subject only for the sake of others who might read this question. You're already married, so these comments hardly matter in your case. Furthermore, none of this is meant as an accusation, obviously. For all I know you were in the same sort of difficult situation so common in Brazil, and even if you weren't, what business is it of mine?
5. I also have general problems with the idea of saying "such and such a person is not going to the Celestial Kingdom." Of course we can talk about doctrines and behaviors that are good and true and will lead us back to God's presence. But when it comes to specific people, it's not really up to us to decide who's going to heaven. We can't know people's hearts. If someone at church says, "We should all try to get married in the temple," well, okay, that's pretty much Mormonism 101. But if someone says, "You, Sister Anonymous, are not going to make it to the Celestial Kingdom," then that person is usurping the role of the true Judge Jesus Christ. Frankly, it's hard to be more blasphemous than that! Only Jesus gets to decide who will make it to the Celestial Kingdom, on the Day of Final Judgment.
6. I'm sure you've heard it before, but I also encourage you to never give up hope. Continue to make it clear to your husband just how important this gospel is to you. Encourage him to investigate so he can get a testimony for himself. Continue to let him know that you would love to be sealed to him for all eternity. Even if it doesn't happen in this life, never lose hope that it might in the next.
7. I know it's difficult, but I also encourage you to not worry about the opinions of other people in the church. You're a faithful member, no less than other faithful members. You're trying to live a good life and are doing a better job of it than many others in your ward! Other people's opinions really don't matter. What matters is what God thinks of you. I'm certain He loves you very much.
Anonymous
2014-07-20 21:25:01
It breaks my heart to hear that you feel sad and uncomfortable in church. You have absolutely NOT lost your chance to go to the highest level of the Celestial kingdom. You were wise to marry a man who is both a good husband and a good father. I commend you for having a strong marriage AND for being a faithful Latter-day Saint. Heavenly Father will bless you and your family for your pure heart and righteous choices.
Here is a quote from the current Priesthood and Relief Society Manual on the topic of eternal marriage (a lesson that was taught in my ward today :), "... If a person is for any cause denied the privilege of complying with any of the covenants (including eternal marriage), the Lord will judge him or her by the intent of the heart." In the next paragraph it reads, "No one can be deprived of exaltation who remains faithful." Period. God loves you and your family. Continue to press forward one day at a time! :) (See the fourth section: https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-Joseph-fielding-Smith/chapter-15-eternal-marriage?lang=eng)
Pamela Bonta
2014-06-30 06:48:54
I know of many members who married non-members. Some of them converted, some didn't. As long as you are raising any children you might have as members, I wouldn't worry about it - maybe this is your 'member missionary work'... To live a righteous life and be an ensample to your husband so that in this world or the next he can choose to join the kingdom. God bless.
1. All families are beautiful and should be preserved, except in extreme cases of abuse or abandonment. I know the thought hasn't crossed your mind, but let me just state the obvious for the sake of others who might read this question: the church would never encourage you to leave your husband just so you could be sealed to someone else. Mormons are about strengthening families, not breaking them apart.
2. I certainly don't want to hurt your feelings, but at the same time I don't think anyone is served by sugar coating this issue. I'm a strong believer in the importance of eternal marriage. The sealing ordinance is critical in our theology. Whenever those who are thinking about marrying a non-member ask my opinion, I tell them temple marriage is a blessing worth pursuing. Marrying in the temple, when it's possible, is one of God's most important commandments.
3. On the other hand, am I really comfortable saying that someone who marries a "non-member" has no chance of making it to the highest level of the Celestial kingdom, no matter how they otherwise live their lives? That would imply that marriage outside the temple is an "unpardonable sin." There's some doubt in my mind whether unpardonable sins even exist. I rather like Elder Holland's 2012 statement: "It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's Atonement shines." But, even if there is an unpardonable sin, it's certainly something along the lines of denying the Holy Ghost, not marrying outside the church.
4. You mentioned that you couldn't drive yourself to marry a male member of the church that you didn't love. There certainly are circumstances where people have to make this very hard choice. In Brazil, for example, there are far more active female Mormons than there are active male Mormons. Many Brazilian sisters don't have the option of marrying in the temple because of simple demographics. Marrying someone they love in the temple is even less likely.
For all I know, you were in a similar situation. But I can say that for the vast majority of members of the church in the United States, what you describe is a false dichotomy. No one expects members of the church to marry people they don't love. Where there are many members, people don't need to choose between marrying someone they love and marrying a fellow Mormon. They can seek out a member of the church that they do love.
I touch on this subject only for the sake of others who might read this question. You're already married, so these comments hardly matter in your case. Furthermore, none of this is meant as an accusation, obviously. For all I know you were in the same sort of difficult situation so common in Brazil, and even if you weren't, what business is it of mine?
5. I also have general problems with the idea of saying "such and such a person is not going to the Celestial Kingdom." Of course we can talk about doctrines and behaviors that are good and true and will lead us back to God's presence. But when it comes to specific people, it's not really up to us to decide who's going to heaven. We can't know people's hearts. If someone at church says, "We should all try to get married in the temple," well, okay, that's pretty much Mormonism 101. But if someone says, "You, Sister Anonymous, are not going to make it to the Celestial Kingdom," then that person is usurping the role of the true Judge Jesus Christ. Frankly, it's hard to be more blasphemous than that! Only Jesus gets to decide who will make it to the Celestial Kingdom, on the Day of Final Judgment.
6. I'm sure you've heard it before, but I also encourage you to never give up hope. Continue to make it clear to your husband just how important this gospel is to you. Encourage him to investigate so he can get a testimony for himself. Continue to let him know that you would love to be sealed to him for all eternity. Even if it doesn't happen in this life, never lose hope that it might in the next.
7. I know it's difficult, but I also encourage you to not worry about the opinions of other people in the church. You're a faithful member, no less than other faithful members. You're trying to live a good life and are doing a better job of it than many others in your ward! Other people's opinions really don't matter. What matters is what God thinks of you. I'm certain He loves you very much.
Here is a quote from the current Priesthood and Relief Society Manual on the topic of eternal marriage (a lesson that was taught in my ward today :), "... If a person is for any cause denied the privilege of complying with any of the covenants (including eternal marriage), the Lord will judge him or her by the intent of the heart." In the next paragraph it reads, "No one can be deprived of exaltation who remains faithful." Period. God loves you and your family. Continue to press forward one day at a time! :) (See the fourth section: https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-Joseph-fielding-Smith/chapter-15-eternal-marriage?lang=eng)