Im 20 years old and a member of the church. Recently my missionary just reported and has been serving for a few months now. He and I were not sexually pure before he left, however he and I repented and he was able to leave to serve. He told me to date while he was gone and I met the wrong guy. A demeaning forceful guy who at first without my consent wouldnt let me stop him as he and I broke the law of chastity. I tried to leave him but somehow he always got me back and overtime I gave up trying to fight him off me. I know I want to marry my missionary, that gave me the strength to move away and leave that bad guy I dated. This sin is eating me alive. I know when my elder returns he wants to be married in the temple. I know I cant live with this on my back but im scared if I tell him he will leave me. I want to go to my bishop but my parents will kick me out if they see me pass on the sacrement. I have lived a pure life and held such strong standards I just met the wrong person. I have wanted a temple marriage since I was young, and want to work towards it while my elder is gone. Im just scared once I finally tell him he will leave me. So do I tell him? Or should I consider myself a clean slate after I repent with my bishop. Does my future husband need to be made aware of the mistakes I made?
3 Responses to “Im 20 years old and a member of the church. Recently my miss…”
Fernando Ramos
2011-05-30 02:13:05
Hi friend. I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you've faced. I did want to clarify one thing, though. If someone forced you to have intimate relations, that is rape. Rape is not a sin because sin has to be chosen. You may wish to consider contacting the authorities and/or getting the necessary psychological counseling to deal with the emotional trauma associated with rape. No woman should ever be subjected to that. I sincerely hope you get the help you need.
If there was any consensual sex in the weeks and months following the rape, that will need to be resolved with God through the bishop, with the understanding that the emotional trauma you'd previously suffered may be a mitigating factor. Regardless, the bishop can certainly give you the spiritual support you need to recover.
It's not appropriate for parents to kick a child out of their home for not taking the sacrament. If someone doesn't take the sacrament, that means they are trying to repent and change their ways. Repentant people are the very ones who most need support and help. Perhaps your bishop could chat with your parents if needed. You might be surprised, though, at their reaction. Maybe they'll be relieved that you're trying to change.
I don't think there's any specific church doctrine that teaches whether or not you need to tell your missionary or your future husband about what's happened. That's a very difficult question. I think someone who really loves you would accept your past mistakes and your changed heart.
I hope this answer helps! Best of luck to you, sister.
Richard
2011-05-23 21:37:30
Well first off, you are very strong to be sharing what you are going through, and I can promise you that God only wants you to make it back to Him. I can also tell you that The Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ is Infinite. This means it covers EVERYTHING you have ever done as well as everything you will ever do in your future.
This isn't a free gift or invitation to sin and simply repent, but rather an offer to the World, one person at a time, (including you) to seek to make their lives better.
I can't tell you your parents won't be disappointed, but I can tell you that they will love you no matter what! Also the only sins that won't be covered under Christ's Atonement, are the ones we choose to keep and hide. God already knows (knew), and seeks to forgive you for your mortal slip-up(s). SO The best thing for you to do IS to get in with your Bishop and confess. Your parents will be OK if your Bishop has asked you not to partake of the sacrament for a while. (in fact I would share that fear with your bishop, and seek to employ his help in breaking the truth to your parents)
FYI it partly sounds like you may have developed a sexually-learned, brain-drug, dependency. There are programs in the church (LDS Addiction recovery) that are miracles for the people attending. You are not a bad person, but you have made some poor decision ("Forgiving Oneself" - Chad D Richardson, is a talk I would recommend). As well as LDS Family services as they can help you recover and feel clean your mistakes.
To the last part of your question I don't know how serious this sin is, but I have a guess. Yes you can be clean again, but it will take your becoming a new person through Christ, and that sometimes can be uncomfortable, but never doubt He is not there cheering you on.
Your future husband will understand and if you want your marriage to be a fully trusting and happy marriage, one day you will need to tell him. That day will be up to you and the Lord and your future husband. (I would confess before marriage through God's guidance)
PS there are a LOT of fish in the sea, try not to settle on just one.. I mean you're only 20! Get back to school and choose to change, then WORK on that change, and grow in Christ to the perfect you. See Ether 12: 27 & Isaiah 1: 18-- and begin reading your Book of Mormon at least 1/2 hour a day, seriously. (work up to it)
Very good questions. I believe that you could get a number of different answers here, but I will give you my take on things.
First, I do not believe that the church has any official policy on this topic. That is to say, that one leader might tell you that you should tell your future spouse, and another would tell you differently, and they would both be correct. It really depends on you, the person your future spouse, and the Lord. As far as the Lord and the Church are concerned, once you complete the repentance process properly, you are forgiven. The beautiful thing about the Atonement is the Lord remembers your sins no more, and you are clean and pure, as if the sin never happened.
That being said, my answer to your question is actually another question. Would you rather your future spouse love you in spite of your sins, or without knowing your sins? Either way, they will love you. But which would you prefer? And that is the answer to your question. For me, even though it is clearly the harder path, I would feel more confident in my relationship knowing that my spouse loves me and chose to be with me still, in spite of (or knowing) my past mistakes. Especially, since I believe spouses can be a big help when it comes to being a better person and becoming the person whom our Heavenly Father wants us to be.
I would like to encourage you to talk with you bishop sooner than later. Repent now, even if that means forgoing the sacrament and dealing with the temporal consequences of your parents. I don't want to sound too preachy, but you are really only hurting yourself by carrying this burden instead of turning to the Lord.
If there was any consensual sex in the weeks and months following the rape, that will need to be resolved with God through the bishop, with the understanding that the emotional trauma you'd previously suffered may be a mitigating factor. Regardless, the bishop can certainly give you the spiritual support you need to recover.
It's not appropriate for parents to kick a child out of their home for not taking the sacrament. If someone doesn't take the sacrament, that means they are trying to repent and change their ways. Repentant people are the very ones who most need support and help. Perhaps your bishop could chat with your parents if needed. You might be surprised, though, at their reaction. Maybe they'll be relieved that you're trying to change.
I don't think there's any specific church doctrine that teaches whether or not you need to tell your missionary or your future husband about what's happened. That's a very difficult question. I think someone who really loves you would accept your past mistakes and your changed heart.
I hope this answer helps! Best of luck to you, sister.
This isn't a free gift or invitation to sin and simply repent, but rather an offer to the World, one person at a time, (including you) to seek to make their lives better.
I can't tell you your parents won't be disappointed, but I can tell you that they will love you no matter what! Also the only sins that won't be covered under Christ's Atonement, are the ones we choose to keep and hide. God already knows (knew), and seeks to forgive you for your mortal slip-up(s). SO The best thing for you to do IS to get in with your Bishop and confess. Your parents will be OK if your Bishop has asked you not to partake of the sacrament for a while. (in fact I would share that fear with your bishop, and seek to employ his help in breaking the truth to your parents)
FYI it partly sounds like you may have developed a sexually-learned, brain-drug, dependency. There are programs in the church (LDS Addiction recovery) that are miracles for the people attending. You are not a bad person, but you have made some poor decision ("Forgiving Oneself" - Chad D Richardson, is a talk I would recommend). As well as LDS Family services as they can help you recover and feel clean your mistakes.
To the last part of your question I don't know how serious this sin is, but I have a guess. Yes you can be clean again, but it will take your becoming a new person through Christ, and that sometimes can be uncomfortable, but never doubt He is not there cheering you on.
Your future husband will understand and if you want your marriage to be a fully trusting and happy marriage, one day you will need to tell him. That day will be up to you and the Lord and your future husband. (I would confess before marriage through God's guidance)
PS there are a LOT of fish in the sea, try not to settle on just one.. I mean you're only 20! Get back to school and choose to change, then WORK on that change, and grow in Christ to the perfect you. See Ether 12: 27 & Isaiah 1: 18-- and begin reading your Book of Mormon at least 1/2 hour a day, seriously. (work up to it)
PPS- Seek for what you want to do, and meet a guy with similar interests.
First, I do not believe that the church has any official policy on this topic. That is to say, that one leader might tell you that you should tell your future spouse, and another would tell you differently, and they would both be correct. It really depends on you, the person your future spouse, and the Lord. As far as the Lord and the Church are concerned, once you complete the repentance process properly, you are forgiven. The beautiful thing about the Atonement is the Lord remembers your sins no more, and you are clean and pure, as if the sin never happened.
That being said, my answer to your question is actually another question. Would you rather your future spouse love you in spite of your sins, or without knowing your sins? Either way, they will love you. But which would you prefer? And that is the answer to your question. For me, even though it is clearly the harder path, I would feel more confident in my relationship knowing that my spouse loves me and chose to be with me still, in spite of (or knowing) my past mistakes. Especially, since I believe spouses can be a big help when it comes to being a better person and becoming the person whom our Heavenly Father wants us to be.
I would like to encourage you to talk with you bishop sooner than later. Repent now, even if that means forgoing the sacrament and dealing with the temporal consequences of your parents. I don't want to sound too preachy, but you are really only hurting yourself by carrying this burden instead of turning to the Lord.
You can do it! All the best!