I’m not Mormon, but I need some advice. I’ve been married for seven years, but I’m not happy with my husband. After our first son was born, my husband was never the same again. He became far less intimate with me. He was no longer romantic and didn’t communicate with me as well. I’ve constantly told him how I felt and asked him what was troubling him. In the end, I couldn’t stand his indifference, so in August 2012 I asked for a divorce. He begged me not to leave him, saying he wanted a chance to make it up to me. I gave him another chance, but now I’ve lost faith that he will change. He tries for one or two months, but then goes back.
In November 2012 I met a new man at my work. We were just friends, nothing more. In April I realized that I had fallen in love with him, but I held back because I am married. I asked my husband for a divorce a second time. When my friend learned what was going on, he distanced himself from me because he didn’t want to be responsible for my divorce. He’s an active Mormon. My husband wants to try to make our marriage work. We’re both dedicated Evangelicals. What should I do?
3 Responses to “I’m not Mormon, but I need some advice…”
Ricardo Ramos
2013-09-01 18:50:36
Hi Abigail. I'm happy your Mormon friend had the wisdom to distance himself. He's right in recognizing that a married woman should not cultivate any kind of romantic relationship with another man, even if her marriage is troubled. As long as you're married, you should be entirely faithful to your husband.
It seems strange to me that your husband suddenly became less intimate. It's true that some people are naturally less sexual than others, but the fact that your husband's sexuality changed suddenly suggests that something changed in his life. Sexual dysfunction can have many causes, including health, emotional, and social challenges. It may not be possible to return to full intimacy unless you identify and correct these underlying causes. Here are some suggestions:
1. Ask your husband to visit the doctor. Perhaps a medical professional can identify the cause of his reduced libido. There are medications that can in some cases help men with these kinds of problems.
2. If there is no medical explanation, perhaps your husband could benefit from some psychological help. I certainly don't mean to imply that everyone with a low libido has psychological problems, but it is true that some psychological problems (like depression) can affect sexuality. It would be good to verify that your husband is psychologically and emotionally healthy.
3. While it's also certainly true that sexual dysfunction is not necessarily always a sign of a troubled marriage, marriage troubles can affect a spouse's libido as well. Since you've talked about divorce multiple times, I think it's likely that your husband is struggling with some self-esteem issues that may be contributing to the problem. I strongly recommend that you talk with a marriage counselor and/or your pastor about these issues.
I encourage you to work on your marriage. Surprisingly, most divorced people are not happier than when they were married. Divorce is not the right solution for the vast majority of marital problems.
I hope this answer helps.
Sky
2013-09-25 15:22:59
I would venture to say there are underlying problems that you need to speak through. A couple questions to ask yourself and him.
It is actually quite common for men to feel a lack of desire after their spouse has given birth. Most men won't talk about their lack of interest in intimacy because it is not what is considered 'manly' by many people. (I won't go into *that* particular issue!) Some men who do talk about it mention that it is difficult to internalize the fact that they saw the physical and emotional turmoil experienced by the one they love the most as a result of being intimate. If they witnessed the birth, they may have witnessed major surgery (C-section) or deliberate cutting and suturing of their wife's genitals (episiotomy). They have witnessed the morning sickness, the stretch marks and associated itching and painfulness as the skin splits, the painfulness as milk production starts, or any of the numerous other uncomfortable and painful conditions associated with pregnancy. They speak about feeling guilty for putting their wife through such an ordeal - after all, it's not called 'labour' for nothing!
As well, the disruption in the household routine can take a toll on one's libido - frequent feedings, increased chores/workload, increased financial strain, and the ever present chance of being interrupted; all play a part. Some men speak about not believing that their wife could ever be interested in them again, no matter what she says. Most therapists counsel to 1. Forget about sex for now and concentrate on regaining trust in the intimacy between you and 2. See a couple's therapist.
It seems strange to me that your husband suddenly became less intimate. It's true that some people are naturally less sexual than others, but the fact that your husband's sexuality changed suddenly suggests that something changed in his life. Sexual dysfunction can have many causes, including health, emotional, and social challenges. It may not be possible to return to full intimacy unless you identify and correct these underlying causes. Here are some suggestions:
1. Ask your husband to visit the doctor. Perhaps a medical professional can identify the cause of his reduced libido. There are medications that can in some cases help men with these kinds of problems.
2. If there is no medical explanation, perhaps your husband could benefit from some psychological help. I certainly don't mean to imply that everyone with a low libido has psychological problems, but it is true that some psychological problems (like depression) can affect sexuality. It would be good to verify that your husband is psychologically and emotionally healthy.
3. While it's also certainly true that sexual dysfunction is not necessarily always a sign of a troubled marriage, marriage troubles can affect a spouse's libido as well. Since you've talked about divorce multiple times, I think it's likely that your husband is struggling with some self-esteem issues that may be contributing to the problem. I strongly recommend that you talk with a marriage counselor and/or your pastor about these issues.
I encourage you to work on your marriage. Surprisingly, most divorced people are not happier than when they were married. Divorce is not the right solution for the vast majority of marital problems.
I hope this answer helps.
-Do you say prayers together.
-Do you serve him and does he serve you.
-Do you spend valuable time together each week.
Another option would be to take the missionary discussions together. Speaking about God more frequently will help draw you together as you draw nearer to Him.
Hope this helps.
As well, the disruption in the household routine can take a toll on one's libido - frequent feedings, increased chores/workload, increased financial strain, and the ever present chance of being interrupted; all play a part. Some men speak about not believing that their wife could ever be interested in them again, no matter what she says. Most therapists counsel to 1. Forget about sex for now and concentrate on regaining trust in the intimacy between you and 2. See a couple's therapist.