I’ve been married and sealed to my husband for four years, but during the last two years we’ve had a lot of challenges. He’s left house on two occasions and sometimes goes for months without talking to me. During this time I’ve felt very alone, but I recently met a return missionary who’s been very nice to me. I know he couldn’t progress much with me because I can’t be sealed again, but what should I do? Should I just forget this dream, or should I follow stay with my husband?
One Response to “I’m married and interested in a return missionary”
Ricardo Duarte
2013-08-04 18:27:44
Hi sister. If you're still married, you shouldn't be intentionally cultivating romantic feelings for another man, even if your marriage is troubled. Jesus said, "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28). This scripture applies to women as well. You should forget about this return missionary.
Now, there are valid reasons for divorce. Two important reasons come to mind:
1. Abuse. I mean real verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, not legitimate disagreement, not heart-felt expressions of real concern (even if these are vehemently expressed), not a husband who's annoying or a wife who nags. Abuse is when one spouse intentionally and/or knowingly harms or hurts another.
2. Infidelity, especially repeated and therefore unrepentant infidelity. Keep in mind also that an emotional affair is a form of infidelity, as is pornography. A married person should not be intentionally cultivating romantic and/or sexual feelings for anyone other than their spouse.
As best I can tell, you are not the victim of abuse or serial infidelity, though, admittedly, I'm not privy to the details of your relationship. My recommendation, then, is that you work to improve your marriage. You shouldn't feel like you have to spend the rest of your life miserable. You should have hope in the future because you can fight for your relationship. Here are some suggestions:
1. Have a frank discussion with your husband. He's probably not happy with the marriage either. Explain that you want the two of you to work harder to help each other be happier. Don't give up!
2. Start talking with your bishop. In my opinion, couples need not share every marital challenge with their bishop. There should be a sense of privacy and intimacy in a marriage. But, if divorce is really on the table, it's time to ask for help.
3. Consider talking with a marriage counselor who shares the Mormon esteem for marriage.
4. Pray together, read scriptures together, have family home evening together, and try to eat meals together when possible. Spend time together.
Finally, while I don't recommend divorce, I did want to make a doctrinal correction. Members of the church who divorce can be sealed to a second husband or wife if their first sealing is cancelled by the First Presidency.
Now, there are valid reasons for divorce. Two important reasons come to mind:
1. Abuse. I mean real verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, not legitimate disagreement, not heart-felt expressions of real concern (even if these are vehemently expressed), not a husband who's annoying or a wife who nags. Abuse is when one spouse intentionally and/or knowingly harms or hurts another.
2. Infidelity, especially repeated and therefore unrepentant infidelity. Keep in mind also that an emotional affair is a form of infidelity, as is pornography. A married person should not be intentionally cultivating romantic and/or sexual feelings for anyone other than their spouse.
As best I can tell, you are not the victim of abuse or serial infidelity, though, admittedly, I'm not privy to the details of your relationship. My recommendation, then, is that you work to improve your marriage. You shouldn't feel like you have to spend the rest of your life miserable. You should have hope in the future because you can fight for your relationship. Here are some suggestions:
1. Have a frank discussion with your husband. He's probably not happy with the marriage either. Explain that you want the two of you to work harder to help each other be happier. Don't give up!
2. Start talking with your bishop. In my opinion, couples need not share every marital challenge with their bishop. There should be a sense of privacy and intimacy in a marriage. But, if divorce is really on the table, it's time to ask for help.
3. Consider talking with a marriage counselor who shares the Mormon esteem for marriage.
4. Pray together, read scriptures together, have family home evening together, and try to eat meals together when possible. Spend time together.
Finally, while I don't recommend divorce, I did want to make a doctrinal correction. Members of the church who divorce can be sealed to a second husband or wife if their first sealing is cancelled by the First Presidency.