About 15-20 years ago, I went through a bad time. On the outside, I was this perfect little mormon girl who never did anything wrong, but inside I was screaming for help. Unfortunately for me, I am a great actress and nobody knew I was falling apart. I lied, I stole, and I shoplifted, all just to survive. It took lying to a bishop and stake president to get out of that life and serve a mission. I’d love to say I served honorably -I did try, but things like waking up early, studying, etc, were just hard.
After I got home, I learned that I have ADHD, and started taking medicine. It changed my life! I can wake up early, focus, and DO now. I am a different person.
I have confessed my sins to God. I have felt shame and sorrow every day for 15 years. I don’t know if I am forgiven, though. I have children now and I am afraid to talk to a bishop, because what if he says I have to tell the stores I stole from and what if they sent me to jail? What would my children do? I don’t even know all the stores I stole from.
I’ve tried to live worthy since the day I left for my mission. I am raising my children with the gospel as the most important thing in their lives. We never ever missed prayers or scriptures. I am throwing myself into my callings. I visit teach, though it scares me to death! I’ve donated thousands of dollars worth of clothes and toys and other house items to various organizations over the years. All to try to make up for what I did. Is it enough?
sin
Anonymous,
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One Response to “About 15-20 years ago, I went through a bad time. On the out…”
Gabriel Ramos
2011-10-17 03:37:19
Hi friend. First off, let me say how happy I am that you've identified your medical condition and that you're receiving the proper treatment. As a doctor-in-training, it brings me great joy to hear stories like yours.
Clearly your medical condition had a great influence on your behavior. I think you still knew you were doing something wrong; you are partially responsible. However, clearly the extent of your personal responsibility is only partial. Having psychiatric challenges certainly is a mitigating factor in your case.
It's important to differentiate between shame and guilt. Guilt is a good thing because it compels us to repent and become better. Shame, on the other hand, does not come from God. Shame is when we start to think that we are bad, rather than recognizing that what we have done is bad. You should hate your sin, but you should love the sinner: yourself, in this case!
I suggest you stop feeling shame and let your guilt carry you on to a better, guilt-free life. Perhaps you could follow these steps:
1) Make a list of all the stores you stole from, together with what you stole, as best you can remember.
2) Little by little, as your finances allow, start to pay these stores back. Even if you just pay back one store a month, that's good enough. Just make an effort. You can put an anonymous letter explaining the situation, together with the money, in an envelope and deliver it to one of the store workers.
3) Once you've paid back as much of your debt as you can remember, go and chat with your bishop. Make it clear that you have ADHD and that you were undiagnosed at the time. Make it clear that you have done everything you can to pay for the items you stole. Tell him you have asked God for forgiveness. I'm certain your bishop will be very happy to help you free yourself from your guilt so you can move forward to a better life. That's the miracle of the atonement of Jesus Christ.
Clearly your medical condition had a great influence on your behavior. I think you still knew you were doing something wrong; you are partially responsible. However, clearly the extent of your personal responsibility is only partial. Having psychiatric challenges certainly is a mitigating factor in your case.
It's important to differentiate between shame and guilt. Guilt is a good thing because it compels us to repent and become better. Shame, on the other hand, does not come from God. Shame is when we start to think that we are bad, rather than recognizing that what we have done is bad. You should hate your sin, but you should love the sinner: yourself, in this case!
I suggest you stop feeling shame and let your guilt carry you on to a better, guilt-free life. Perhaps you could follow these steps:
1) Make a list of all the stores you stole from, together with what you stole, as best you can remember.
2) Little by little, as your finances allow, start to pay these stores back. Even if you just pay back one store a month, that's good enough. Just make an effort. You can put an anonymous letter explaining the situation, together with the money, in an envelope and deliver it to one of the store workers.
3) Once you've paid back as much of your debt as you can remember, go and chat with your bishop. Make it clear that you have ADHD and that you were undiagnosed at the time. Make it clear that you have done everything you can to pay for the items you stole. Tell him you have asked God for forgiveness. I'm certain your bishop will be very happy to help you free yourself from your guilt so you can move forward to a better life. That's the miracle of the atonement of Jesus Christ.
I hope this answer helps! Best of luck to you.