I’m a young man, 27 years old, and I’ve been carrying a burden all my life. My friends and family don’t even know about it. I’m attracted to other men. I don’t know what to do. I’m addicted to pornography and masturbation. I want to tell my bishop but I can’t because I’m ashamed and afraid. Can you please help me see what I should do?
One Response to “I’m a young man, 27 years old, and I’ve been carrying a burd…”
Felipe Prado
2010-07-19 02:02:55
A statue of Jesus Christ at temple square in Salt Lake City.
Hi friend. I'm happy you felt comfortable sharing your story on my website. It's important to distinguish between things you can control and things you can't control. When we have no control -- when we have no choice -- we cannot sin, because sin requires us to choose to act contrary to God's will. Most people who struggle with same-sex attraction do not choose that attraction. It comes as an uncontrollable impulse or instinct. Consequently, it is not a sin to be attracted to other men.
However, sometimes people (both gay and straight!) use their sexual tendencies as excuses to justify their poor choices. For example, people may not be able to control the attractions they feel, but they can choose not to intentionally cultivate inappropriate thoughts. They can choose not to participate in inappropriate activities. You can choose to avoid pornography and masturbation.
I can tell from your message that you're not using your sexuality as an excuse to justify your actions. I just want you to understand that, though you do need to repent for using pornography and masturbating, you don't need to repent for feeling same-sex attraction. There are many people in the church who struggle with same-sex attraction. You may not even be the only one in your ward. You can still be a faithful member of the Church even if you struggle with homosexual tendencies. Faithful members who struggle with same-sex desires are among the best members of the Church. It's difficult, but it is possible. If you fail, you can repent just like any member of the Church. Your bishop can help you apply the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ in your life.
You mentioned that you are addicted to pornography and masturbation. Pornography and masturbation are always sinful, but they are not always an addiction. If you feel that you have a genuine addiction, I suggest that you meet with a psychologist as well as with your bishop. Your bishop can help you recover spiritually, and a psychologist can help you recover mentally. Perhaps your bishop can help you find a psychiatrist who shares your Mormon values.
I'm not so worried about your repentance process, friend. I can tell you are a conscientious person. Though you feel shame and fear, I think you will go talk with your bishop about your pornography and masturbation problems, and I think you will recover spiritually. What concerns me is that you will continue to feel guilt after you have completed the repentance process. Remember that guilt is only useful if it motivates us to repent. If we've already repented, guilt is counterproductive. You should not feel guilty because of your uncontrollable attractions. Just try your best not to act on them, and God will honor your sacrifice. This kind of sacrifice can seem like a burden, but it can be a beautiful thing in your life. It is beautiful when people put God's will first, even when it's hard. I don't struggle with same-sex attraction, but I've made my sacrifices as well. Paradoxically, these sacrifices have made my life rich. May God give you the same blessing.
I've written some other articles that you might find helpful:
However, sometimes people (both gay and straight!) use their sexual tendencies as excuses to justify their poor choices. For example, people may not be able to control the attractions they feel, but they can choose not to intentionally cultivate inappropriate thoughts. They can choose not to participate in inappropriate activities. You can choose to avoid pornography and masturbation.
I can tell from your message that you're not using your sexuality as an excuse to justify your actions. I just want you to understand that, though you do need to repent for using pornography and masturbating, you don't need to repent for feeling same-sex attraction. There are many people in the church who struggle with same-sex attraction. You may not even be the only one in your ward. You can still be a faithful member of the Church even if you struggle with homosexual tendencies. Faithful members who struggle with same-sex desires are among the best members of the Church. It's difficult, but it is possible. If you fail, you can repent just like any member of the Church. Your bishop can help you apply the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ in your life.
You mentioned that you are addicted to pornography and masturbation. Pornography and masturbation are always sinful, but they are not always an addiction. If you feel that you have a genuine addiction, I suggest that you meet with a psychologist as well as with your bishop. Your bishop can help you recover spiritually, and a psychologist can help you recover mentally. Perhaps your bishop can help you find a psychiatrist who shares your Mormon values.
I'm not so worried about your repentance process, friend. I can tell you are a conscientious person. Though you feel shame and fear, I think you will go talk with your bishop about your pornography and masturbation problems, and I think you will recover spiritually. What concerns me is that you will continue to feel guilt after you have completed the repentance process. Remember that guilt is only useful if it motivates us to repent. If we've already repented, guilt is counterproductive. You should not feel guilty because of your uncontrollable attractions. Just try your best not to act on them, and God will honor your sacrifice. This kind of sacrifice can seem like a burden, but it can be a beautiful thing in your life. It is beautiful when people put God's will first, even when it's hard. I don't struggle with same-sex attraction, but I've made my sacrifices as well. Paradoxically, these sacrifices have made my life rich. May God give you the same blessing.
I've written some other articles that you might find helpful: