All About Mormons

Not unsurprisingly, as the webmaster of AllAboutMormons.com I regularly receive unsolicited anti-Mormon emails. I’ve decided to publish excerpts from some of my favorites, together with responses. Why am I publishing these excerpts? Because I want AllAboutMormons.com readers to know that not everyone on the Internet has an objective opinion about Mormons. Any one of the authors of these anti-Mormon emails could set up a website claiming to teach the “truth” about the Mormons. Some of them could even create sites that sound official, though the emails below will clearly demonstrate that anti-Mormons are far from objective.

Don’t be fooled! if you’re learning all about Mormons from www.antimormons.are.awesome.com, you may wish to reconsider the reliability of your source. There are many sites on the Internet run by the same kinds of people who write anti-Mormon emails like those below. Why not take the time to learn about Mormonism from more reliable sources?

Below are some of my favorite anti-Mormon emails received between 7/24/2007 and 12/13/2008. I’ve corrected some grammar and spelling and have replaced swear words with asterisks. Some of these anti-Mormons choose to identify their own religious affiliations. Don’t think for a second that the opinions of these bigots represent the teachings of their churches. I’ve found that most religions are very reasonable. We shouldn’t judge religions by their fringe members.

I know it’s not Christ-like, but I couldn’t help but respond to some of these emails sarcastically. To redeem myself, I include more Christ-like responses separately.

Hope you enjoy!

#1: “It’s well known that in the USA Mormons are a prosperous people, especially the Jewish ones. The ones that lead their wards and stakes, their mission presidents, the general authorities, all of these are actually Jews…It’s also known that the Mormon Church supports the establishment of the so-called State of Israel. The most prosperous Mormons, the Jewish Mormons, are the owners of great multinational companies that have as their goal to impoverish the needy countries of the planet … I invite you … to get to know Islam …”

Christ-like answer: Dear friend, while there are Jewish Mormons, they are not bent on world domination, and they are not singled out for leadership positions in the LDS (“Mormon”) Church. Like all Mormons, some Jewish Mormons are leaders in the Church, and some are not. All are valued members of our community. Incidentally, a few months ago a Jewish Mormon in my city was invited to preach a sermon to my congregation. Funniest. Sermon. Ever. He’s seriously like a Mormon Woody Allen.

Reason selected: This answer, which is both anti-Mormon and anti-Semitic, ranks #1 because of its creativity. Most anti-Mormon emails just parrot things that have been claimed (and refuted) for over a century. This accusation was truly unique. Congratulations!

#2 “You Mormons make a lot of us laugh. You people have been known for being in competition with the Catholics ever since the first day that this satanic Mormon cult was started by Satan and the first prophet of Satan Joseph Smith. Now you people are trying to mimic the Catholics by talking about families and their values, haha. The Mormons want to try and be one up on the Catholics just like Satan always tries to be one up on God. Thousands of people … have done extensive research throughout the decades and have come up with evidence so solid that it can be held up in a court of law to prove that Mormonism is satanic…”

Sarcastic answer: It’s true. Mormon mothers actually hate their children. We just pretend to have family values because of you darn Catholics. Seems like you guys are always winning. Good job, man. You are awesome. I know exactly the case your talking about, too. Satan vs. the state of Texas, right?

Christ-like answer: Dear friend, we Mormons love our Catholic brothers and sisters. In fact, in recent years our two religions have worked together on numerous humanitarian aid projects. The Mormon Church even donated money to help renovate the Cathedral of the Madeline in Salt Lake City as a sign of solidarity with our Catholic friends. Even in centuries past, Mormons and Catholics have been good friends. Let’s put any contention behind us.

Reason selected: Multiple uses of the word “satanic” definitely put this quote near the top. The made-up “competition” between Mormons and Catholics was also entertaining.

#3 “The Mormons … began their cult in New York in 1820. The word ‘Mormon’ was conceived in the mind of Joseph Smith, and given to him from the devil, and is synonymous with evil. Christ Jesus started the only true church in A.D. 33 as the Pentecostal denomination… Jessie L. Embry, the Mormon’s fifth president, made a new law stating that blood brothers and sisters could marry… It’s no wonder Joseph Smith became a human devil; with a mother like Lucy Mack Smith… Smith committed incest by marrying his sister… The first five Mormon leaders were … Devil worshippers. It is easy to get millions of sinners together to start a false religion, but to serve Christ Jesus in the Pentecostal way, not many say yes … The King James Bible says, when sinners (Mormons) stand before God’s throne, it is to be damned … The Mormon Church says, when women get married they do not have to say “I will obey you” to their husbands. King James Bible classes were started in Mormon churches, to make sure young Mormon workers would not convert to Christ’s Pentecostal Church.”

Sarcastic answer: Thanks for your email, man! I can’t believe how misinformed I was! I actually thought the Pentecostal movement started with the Azusa Street Revival in 1906! You’re right about Joseph Smith, by the way. The word Mormon was conceived in his own mind, but at the same time it wasn’t, since it was Satan himself that put it there.  You’re also totally right about that whole women obedience thing. We Mormons really don’t oppress our women nearly enough, giving them all sorts of dignity and self-respect and such. The whole Mormon love of the Bible is also a total farce, like you said. We wouldn’t even be studying that book if it weren’t for our secret fear of loosing members to Pentecostalism. All we do in the Mormon Church every Sunday is sit quietly and think about how afraid we are of you guys.

Christ-like answer: Dear friend, thanks so much for your email. I’m sure you’ll be surprised to learn that some of your preconceived notions about Mormonism are not correct. For example, “Mormon” was the name of an ancient prophet and is not synonymous with “evil.” Jessie L. Embry was not the fifth present of the LDS (“Mormon”) Church. In fact, she is the assistant director of the Charles Redd Center for Western Studies at Brigham Young University. If she should ever come across this post, I think she’ll be very surprised to learn that you think she approves of incest. In fact, the Church has never approved of incestuous marriages. I’m sure you’ll also be shocked to learn that Mormons actually look down on the whole devil-worshiping thing. We’re generally opposed to it. Also, our love for the Bible is sincere. We’ve been studying the Bible since even before modern Pentecostalism existed. No worries, friend. We’re not afraid of you. And we also think you’re terrific.

Reason selected: The general paranoia and conspiracy-theory tone of this email definitely scored a lot of points. The idea that Mormon doctrine is actually centered on our secret fear of loosing members to Pentecostalism was also very entertaining.

#4 “Mormons are the most judgmental, evil, sickly moral or should I say lacking all of the above, people I’ve ever known … You have zero friends in this crap church born by Satan himself and the satanic daemon Joseph Smith…”
 
Sarcastic answer: Amen, brother. I can’t stand judgmental people. Also, how the heck can someone by sickly moral?

Christ-like answer: Dear friend, thanks for your recent email. While Mormons are far from perfect, we generally try to refrain from being too judgmental, evil, or sickly amoral. I’m sorry if some of us have offended you. You may not be our friend, but we’d like to be yours. Best of luck to you.

Reason selected: The irony of someone writing an email generally condemning an entire ethnic group, but in the same breath accusing the Mormons of being judgmental, was more than I could bear. Very entertaining stuff.

#5 “I hate Mormons. How can you ***** even call it a religion? … [You] hate the USA … Mormons are child molesters! Satan loves you and I should know; I’m a Satanist.”

Sarcastic answer: I salute you, my brother in Satan! Surely our master the Dark One has revealed the true nature of Mormonism to you. Now that you know our true identify, become one of our minions! Together, we can destroy this wretched American empire and replace it with a satanic kingdom, where our child molesting can go on unabated!

Christ-like answer: Dear friend, while we respect your right to worship as you please, you may wish to consider the possibility that your Satanism has colored your view of Mormonism. In fact, American Mormons are typically quite patriotic, even at times when the American government has allowed us to be persecuted. We’re also generally opposed to child molestation. Best of luck to you. I sincerely hope you manage to let more light and truth into your life.

Reason selected: So if Satanists hate Mormons…is that a good or a bad thing? This is the only anti-Mormon email I’ve ever gotten from a Satanist, which scored the author a lot of points.

#6 “All those who were once members of the Mormon Church of women and baby killers know that they hide the truth…”

Sarcastic answer: Darn it! You’ve figured us out! We secretly sacrifice babies and young virgins to Lucifer on altars in our temples. Well, I guess there’s no use hiding it now. Man, I can’t believe we got away with that stuff for so many years…

Christ-like answer: Dear friend, I’m sorry you feel that Mormons are hiding their true beliefs from you. In fact, many Mormons like myself have dedicated countless hours to describing accurately our sincere beliefs. You can read about these beliefs easily by visiting the pages of this site, or by visiting mormon.org. Also, Mormons are generally opposed to murdering babies and women. Actually, murder in general is frowned upon. Hope this helps to clear up some of your misconceptions.

Reason selected: The accusation of “baby killing” is timeless. It even predates Mormonism; in the Middle Ages, the Jews were accused of killing babies. The additional accusation of killing women makes this anti-Mormon rant all the more interesting.

#7 “Hey, Mormons have a problem. They need to realize that they themselves are the devil … They [murder people]. Wake up. Your church is near the end.”

Sarcastic answer: Wow, wackos have accused me of being influenced by Satan, but never of being Satan incarnate. And to think that I thought that burning sensation was heartburn! This explains so much!

Christ-like answer: Dear friend, I can tell you have some misconceptions about Mormonism, and I’d really like to clear them up for you. You’re probably a sincere person who has simply been misinformed. In fact, and I’m sure this will surprise you, Mormons are generally opposed to Satan. Same goes for murder. We definitely look down on that kind of thing. Also, you might be interested to know that our Church is rapidly growing and wll probably not be coming to an end any time soon. One non-Mormon sociologist even thinks that in the next several hundred years, Mormonism will grow to become the next great world religion since Islam. Great news, right? You’ll get to make lots of Mormon friends, and some of your descendants will probably be Mormon. Welcome to the family, friend!

Reason selected: I’ve been accused of being Satanic, but never of being Satan himself. If I were Satan, I think I’d know it!

#8 “The Mormon cult is not a church … It is evil, destructive, and smelly. (Mormons rarely wash.) Mormonism should be removed from the face of the earth.”

Sarcastic answer: This quote is particularly funny if read in a Hitleresque German accent.

Christ-like answer: Dear friend, I want to thank you for your sincere concern about Mormon hygiene. You’ll be happy to learn that Mormons bathe quite frequently. Also, while we’re far from perfect, we really do try our best to not be evil or destructive. Thanks again for your concern.

Reason chosen: The “Mormons rarely wash” quote was classic. Also, advocating genocide certainly made for interesting anti-Mormonism.

#9 “Mormons are stupid people … You people are the black spot on the Christian face …”

Reason chosen: This one was interesting because of where it came from: India! It seems even the anti-Mormons are outsourcing their efforts. And to think that just a few months ago I was telling my friend Sriram that I had never met a rude Indian…

#10 “Mormons are the religious equivalent of Republicans; the worst there is. Buy Cialis 20% off.”

Sarcastic response: Worst. Cialis. Spam. Ever.

Christ-like response: Dear friend, I’d like to thank you for your genuine concern over my sexual health. I can tell you really care because of the substantial discount you offer. I hope that your opinion of Mormons improves. At least we both agree that there are some pretty icky Republicans out there.

Reason selected: The fact that this guy chose to use anti-Mormonism to peddle Cialis was quite entertaining.

Bonus:

“The Book of Mormon is toilet paper, not a sacred text … The LDS Church belongs to Satan. Satan governs it! … The Book of Mormon testifies of Satan …”

Christ-like answer: Dear friend, I don’t mean to embarrass you, but the Book of Mormon actually testifies of Christ. No worries! Everyone makes mistakes! Here’s one of my favorite quotes from the Book of Mormon: “And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.” No hard feelings, friend.

Honorable mention:

• “[You] apostates will burn eternally in hell … You are Luciferan …”
• “****** LDS cult.”
• “Death to Mormons.”
• “Mormons have too many ****** kids. Visit Utah and they run around like rats! … The stupid *******.”
• “**** sucking *** guzzling ****** **** Mormon piece of **** eating **** ***** … “
• “[You are all] demented. What an insane people.”
• “You might have been raised in a Mormon family if you want to shoot yourself.”
• “Mormons run Utah like a 3rd world country. No wonder its so *** backwards …”
• “The Catholics RULE. Always have, always will. 1.5 Billion of us to the stanky prophet-of-Satan-loving Mormons’ 13 million. Hail your filthy piece of **** Joseph Smith.”
• “Momanism is ******* retarded!”
• “Why is this religion so ******* idiotic? Like why is all the **** such ********? … You *** entirely way to much ****** ****”
• “Does the Mormon Church have some sort of pact with the devil?”
• “…why should anybody care if there’s hate crimes against Mormans. You deserve every bad thing that happens to you…”
• “Why do you guys suck at life?”
• “I live in Utah. I hate Mormons. They are failures.”
• “You Mormons don’t have the strong family bond that the Catholics have. I hate you people for mocking us.”
• “Intelligence isn’t a Mormon’s strong point.”