I have sinned and I hate myself now. It all started when I was little like 5-6 years old when I discovered pornography I think it never got really serious until when I was about 10 and actually watch it for the first time. I was pretty much addicted to it but that time I wasn’t christen so I didn’t care. Now that I am I hate my self horribly I have also masterbated and I hate myself. I feel completely worthless and so much sadness and guilt. I am really shy to talk to my bishop because firstly I don’t even know him and I don’t want him to tell my parents or anyone because they will be disgusted at my foolish acts. Please help me.
sin
Anonymous,
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4 Responses to “I have sinned and I hate myself now. It all started when…”
Ricardo Campos
2015-02-15 23:33:51
A life of sin can be cleansed and changed through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
Hi sister. I'm sorry to hear about these struggles. I certainly don't want to offend someone in so tender position as yours, but you need to know that God doesn't want you to react to your sins this way. You are a child of God, and you should never hate yourself. You've made some mistakes. Guilt--the recognition that you've done something bad--is appropriate in this situation. But you should never feel shame--the feeling that you yourself are bad. God doesn't feel that way, and you shouldn't either.
It's also important to recognize the context of your sin. You're clearly not responsible for your early exposure to pornography. Pornography use by anyone, but especially young children, has the potential for addiction. An addiction that, in your case, you didn't exactly choose.
I don't mean to suggest that what you've done isn't serious. It is, and you do need to repent. But, as Elder Scott recently taught, there's a world of difference between a rebellious person who sins because she likes sin and an addicted person who desperately wants to change.
You are not worthless. Far from it! You're so valuable to God that He sent His Only Begotten Son to save you from your sins. I encourage you to take advantage of Christ's atonement so you can free yourself from these feelings. Chat with your bishop to begin the process. It would certainly be appropriate to ask him about confidentiality before your confession, if that would make you feel more comfortable.
Given how damaging childhood exposure to pornography can be, you might also consider chatting with a counselor who specializes in addictions. The church also has a helpful program you might look into. Please make sure you get all the spiritual and emotional help you need, sister.
I'll leave you with these beautiful words from the prophet Isaiah: "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool" (Isaiah 1:18). I know the miracle of forgiveness can happen in your life too. I'll pray for you.
Anonymous
2015-02-15 15:47:01
A missionary hugging a bishop in Aracaju, Sergipe, Brazil.
You would be surprised of how common it is. I wish I had internet 15 years ago because I was struggling it too. I hated myself but I couldn't stop. I never told anyone, I was too ashamed of myself. I went the hard way: made myself stop all by myself but sometimes I fail.
First: realize it's biology and chemistry at work. Your body gets addicted to the hormones released from the act. You are not to blame for having those urges. Don't blame yourself for those, don't be disgusted of yourself. It's a natural process. Lots of people have them, some more than others.
Second, because the Holy Spirit can't live on an unholy place you shouldn't give in to those urges. But everyone sins once in a while, because of our human condition. If someone doesn't masturbate, they might have the problem of judging other people. If they don't judge, they might envy or give in to hate, or smoke, drink... The list goes on and on. The point is no one is perfect and that's the whole point of us being here.
That being said you should talk to your bishop to seek guidance and avoid any material that will tempt you to do it again. It won't be easy and you'll probably fail plenty of times. But the effort is what counts because every time you choose not to you'll allowing the Holy Spirit's influence to grow inside you. Try to strengthen your testimony, because that will give you strength in times of temptation and try not thinking so much of it because that will only make things worse. If you think of chocolate all day you'll want one right?
Peter
2015-02-16 17:44:57
My dear friend. Please know that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you so much. They know and feel your pain. Jesus Christ loves us so much that He atoned for every sin we have committed and every sin we will commit.
You are so brave to ask for help.
I have children who were affected by pornography at same age. We did not find out till one of them came to us in tears. He had done something terrible to another child. I wish they had told us the day they discovered it. We could have helped them sooner.
Your parents love you and want to help you.
Your bishop loves you too. He has helped many others with the same addiction. Pornography is an infectious addiction. Millions are infected by it. Your bishop has the power to help you through this.
It will take a long time but you can overpower this addiction with the help of those who love you. Jesus Christ wants to help you too. He has the ultimate power to take away all your pain. Talk to Him.
Gary
2015-02-22 18:16:20
One of the greatest teachings of the Savior is forgiveness. You are in the mist of learning this principle in a very personal way. The hardest forgiveness is that of one's self. Learning who you are and that which temps you. You may not want to hear this but the sin's you speak of are not sin's as you think they are. Sin is that which has eternal negative consequences. No act we do In life has negative eternal consequences until we decide to forsake or reject the Atonement.
Never give up on the Savior's atonement, never give up on yourself. Never hate yourself for being human and having desires that are given to drive us to take on the extreme duty of a family. You were given strong urges for a reason so learn to love yourself for being human. Love yourself for having righteous desires to do what Is right. Don't get caught up in the misconception of Youth which is that you must overcome all at this moment. (a concept that no youth can comprehend) Y
Sin will conquer you if you give in to hating yourself, you must learn to love yourself and forgive yourself before you ever try to conquer self control of natural desires.
It's also important to recognize the context of your sin. You're clearly not responsible for your early exposure to pornography. Pornography use by anyone, but especially young children, has the potential for addiction. An addiction that, in your case, you didn't exactly choose.
I don't mean to suggest that what you've done isn't serious. It is, and you do need to repent. But, as Elder Scott recently taught, there's a world of difference between a rebellious person who sins because she likes sin and an addicted person who desperately wants to change.
You are not worthless. Far from it! You're so valuable to God that He sent His Only Begotten Son to save you from your sins. I encourage you to take advantage of Christ's atonement so you can free yourself from these feelings. Chat with your bishop to begin the process. It would certainly be appropriate to ask him about confidentiality before your confession, if that would make you feel more comfortable.
Given how damaging childhood exposure to pornography can be, you might also consider chatting with a counselor who specializes in addictions. The church also has a helpful program you might look into. Please make sure you get all the spiritual and emotional help you need, sister.
I'll leave you with these beautiful words from the prophet Isaiah: "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool" (Isaiah 1:18). I know the miracle of forgiveness can happen in your life too. I'll pray for you.
First: realize it's biology and chemistry at work. Your body gets addicted to the hormones released from the act. You are not to blame for having those urges. Don't blame yourself for those, don't be disgusted of yourself. It's a natural process. Lots of people have them, some more than others.
Second, because the Holy Spirit can't live on an unholy place you shouldn't give in to those urges. But everyone sins once in a while, because of our human condition. If someone doesn't masturbate, they might have the problem of judging other people. If they don't judge, they might envy or give in to hate, or smoke, drink... The list goes on and on. The point is no one is perfect and that's the whole point of us being here.
That being said you should talk to your bishop to seek guidance and avoid any material that will tempt you to do it again. It won't be easy and you'll probably fail plenty of times. But the effort is what counts because every time you choose not to you'll allowing the Holy Spirit's influence to grow inside you. Try to strengthen your testimony, because that will give you strength in times of temptation and try not thinking so much of it because that will only make things worse. If you think of chocolate all day you'll want one right?
You are so brave to ask for help.
I have children who were affected by pornography at same age. We did not find out till one of them came to us in tears. He had done something terrible to another child. I wish they had told us the day they discovered it. We could have helped them sooner.
Your parents love you and want to help you.
Your bishop loves you too. He has helped many others with the same addiction. Pornography is an infectious addiction. Millions are infected by it. Your bishop has the power to help you through this.
It will take a long time but you can overpower this addiction with the help of those who love you. Jesus Christ wants to help you too. He has the ultimate power to take away all your pain. Talk to Him.
Never give up on the Savior's atonement, never give up on yourself. Never hate yourself for being human and having desires that are given to drive us to take on the extreme duty of a family. You were given strong urges for a reason so learn to love yourself for being human. Love yourself for having righteous desires to do what Is right. Don't get caught up in the misconception of Youth which is that you must overcome all at this moment. (a concept that no youth can comprehend) Y
Sin will conquer you if you give in to hating yourself, you must learn to love yourself and forgive yourself before you ever try to conquer self control of natural desires.